Fast forward to last season’s NBA finals on ABC, and a very teasing spot about a new show “this fall” — very brief, and very identifiable. Modern day Cavemen on the west coast. My very first reaction was a laugh-out-loud, “Hah! That might be funny.” And then I saw another spot or two and began to wonder how quickly the “stupid caveman” joke would get played out. And since pretty much every clip was of the “caveman being insulted” or “caveman doing dumb thing” variety, I figured it was gonna happen pretty damn fast.

Welcome to the present. On Sunday, I saw another spot for the show that said the premier was Wednesday at 7, along with Carpoolers at 7:30. I went ahead and plugged them both into the DVR, because I’m a TV fiend and I would feel bad if the shows were actually good and I missed them. So, late last night, after I got the kids in bed I sat down to watch them. Carpoolers was stupid and not worth anything, but Caveman.

Holy Shit!

It is despicable. Turns out that since all the blacks and chinese and crippled and fatsos are actually offended by racism and bigotry, that the television execs have cooked up a perfect storm where they can make every single filthy, hateful, racist joke but play them all off on a made-up race that’s just trying to “fit in” with the “Sapes” (homo-sapien).

Top it off with a racist landlord (Stanley Roper, anyone?) and a interracial relationship that the cavemen don’t approve of (“Keep your penis in your genus”).

Oh, and the make-up is pathetic and the writing is just awful. I don’t expect it to go far on its production merits, but that’ll usually carry a show for a season or two to give the characters their ‘sea legs’. But hopefully a few more people will realize that these jokes are terrible and just redirected from people who’ve dealt with enough of this shit for long enough that it manages to not only miss being funny, but is also patently offensive.

Now, I’m the last person in the world to preach about funny. I love irony and sarcasm and gallows humor. I’m not proud — it’s just the way I’m wired. But if you watch this show and laugh at any of the jokes, you should probably take a step back and think about why you’re laughing. Is it because the joke is funny or because the joke is hateful? Oh, and “both” isn’t an acceptable answer — haters are never funny. Don’t laugh at a hater. Don’t be a hater.

If you’ve been living under a rock, then you might not know that a local animal shelter has a problem with its air conditioner.

That’s news to you?

What about the $750,000 loan from the city to a local restaurant to relocate down the block? Oh, and it’s not so much a loan as it is a $700,000 grant established under the Texas Local Government Code. And, the restaurant is moving to a building the owners already own!

I didn’t know the city was also a bank!?! I’m reminded of a sign at the motorcycle shop where I bought a bike I used while in college. It was hand-written, and scribbled above the main desk. It said:

The Bank and I have an agreement:
I won’t lend money to my customers,
And they won’t sell motorcycles to theirs.

The City of Austin is so scared of its constituents, that it can’t do anything but make concessionary agreements like this. The Keep-Austin-Weirdophiles would die without their yummy tacos from Congress Avenue! We mustn’t inhibit the little guy! It’s just not right to push them out of business so a giant hotel chain can build “the largest hotel development in Austin history.”

It turns out there’s a lot more involved. Mostly what’s involved is money changing hands. But one thing is certain… the owners of Las Manitas surely don’t need a forgiveable loan to upgrade the kitchen, right?

Ah, but there’s more to the story. It’s seems there was a bit of an impasse.

Why is it that in these situations, such negotiation always seems to make everybody else in the world upset. I’ll stop with all the linking (mainly because I’m tired of doing the searches and my browser is getting slow from all the open tabs), but you don’t have to look far to find apologists and rationalizers who talk about how this is “good for the city”.

Mostly, I think it’s good for the rich people who were already rich when the negotiating started. Sure there will be more jobs, and yes, an iconic part of Austin is saved (Oh, yay). But I’m guessing Las Manitas is not really in any sort of real, financial trouble. According to some accounts, the owners of the restaurant are millionaires. Of course they are. They’re shrewd business people who’ve been operating for over 25 years.

But enough griping about that. What really bugs me is that these businesses seem to fall into piles of money and all the while, non-profit organizations such as the Austin Humane Society have to beg and plead for every single penny they receive. The news from their website says that the AHS has managed to scrounge together temporary cooling and they might have some idea of how much the repairs to their HVAC will cost sometime this week.

Are there any such economic development programs that are going to grant the AHS a $200,000 forgiveable loan to replace its chiller?

I doubt it.

A law that allows me to protect myself.

So, the way I see it regardless of whatever the fuck agenda you may have, you do not get to pull shit like this and get away with it. First-off, saying that you buy from clean energy sources to balance 100% of your energy cost is bullshit. The production of the [generator/wind turbine/solar array/etc] facility cost energy in terms of transportation, manufacturing and other hidden/subsurface costs. Also, it just sounds like a bunch of C-Y-A strawman logic. I don’t buy it.

I drive a somewhat economic vehicle (27 mpg). I pay attention to turn off lights when I leave the room. I’ve adjusted my thermostat. I buy part of my electricity from clean/renewable sources (at a premium).

I also believe in the heretofore unnamed “Long Earth” philosophy. Much like buying blue chip stocks “long”, the Earth is going to be around a long, long, LONG time. And no matter how much up-fucking we humans get around to, we’re not doing the Earth any damage.

You also shouldn’t shit in your own foxhole.

But, just for the record, there is no honor, class, or conscience in making a movie about the tough struggles young pups must make before maturing, and then spend Saturday night out seal clubbing. I’m not saying that global warming isn’t real. I’m saying Gore is a douchebag.